paperless shopping
Shopping online is so much easier than driving into town, parking and going to a shop, and then just giving the person at the till a few quid for the small pack of screws you need, then going home again, isn't it?
I mean, you only get a few emails.
Hi [first_name]! Thank you for your order. We'll send the invoice out soon.
Hi [first_name]! Here's the invoice for your recent order ten minutes ago. Yes, we probably could have just sent one email for the order AND the invoice, but hey, it looks like there's an efficient system better this way, eh?
Hi [first_name]! We've now packed your order that you placed fifteen minutes ago, put it in a box and marked your address on it. Aren't we clever? (not really, the label and packing list just popped out of the printer, haha!) And efficient. I mean, fifteen minutes and three emails about it already is good, right?
Hi [first_name]! We handed your parcel to our delivery agents. It's up to them now. Good luck!
Hey bro! We're the delivery agents!
Why did you shudder then? Anyway, we've been given your parcel to deliver to you. Be there soon. Why not leave all your details so you can track it? Then we can track you back, haha!Hey, bro! Your parcel reached our distribution hub. Track your parcel here and see where it goes next. You may be surprised at depot number 3!
Hey bro! Your parcel is out with Kevin for delivery. You can track it with this link. It will be between the hours of 11.28 and 22.12. Probably. Did we mention you could track it? You can track his route now, LIVE! It's got little animated van and tracking dots and everything! Isn't that fun! You probably have nothing better to do than sit there watching this little animated van trundling along your screen, leaving little dots like it's doing little shits all over the map.
Hey bro! We have delivered your parcel. You were/weren't in. It doesn't matter. Kevin delivered it. Somewhere very close to your house. Look, here's a picture of a bin it might be in. Kevin's note says "it rattled like really cool..." Or a porch. Have you got a porch? Here's a picture of a parcel in a porch. It could be yours!
Hey bro! Hope you're happy with the delivery we made thirty seconds ago. Please review your delivery. You could give Kevin a Gold star. This will make him happy and he'd really appreciate it after a 363 delivery day and twenty four cans of Red Bull on his minimum wage.
PS: Do not mark under 5 out of 10. We will probably shoot him if you do that.Hi [first_name] mate! It's the shop. Don't forget to review your purchase. It really helps for future customers to hear from past customers. Oh yes it does.
PS: You don't have to have actually used the items, just get the review done and we can all relax until the next time you use us.Hey bro! It's the parcel company. You might have forgotten to review the delivery we made two days ago. You have found it now haven't you?
Anyway, DO THE REVIEW.Hi [first_name] mate! It's the shop. Yeah, the one that sold you some screws two days ago. Don't forget to review your purchase. DO. THE. REVIEW.
Hey bro! It's the parcel company. Last chance. DO. THE. REVIEW.
Well, I don't know how you review a delivery either. Try "I opened the door and there was a parcel there. Brilliant how that works. 5⋆"
PS: We've loaded the gun. Kevin looks scared. DO. THE. REVIEW.Hi [first_name]. Look, this is your last chance to review your purchase. We've been nice about it so far. Don't make us call Big Ron. It really helps other purchasers. Yes, yes it does. DO. THE. REVIEW.
I personally won't buy anything until I've read the opinions of complete fruitloops, AI's, and other strangers on the internet who are really pissed off about getting constant emails about reviews so do a massively passive aggressive if not plainly mocking review.Hi [first_name] mate, it's the shop you bought some screws from. Here's the latest screws newsletter you don't remember ticking the box to get or not get seven days ago. Look, whichever way round you did, it was the other way. You don't remember doing that? Of course not. No! Don't unsubscribe!
Hi [Title] [Surname] You have successfully unsubscribed from this marketing list. Aww... we're so sorry to see you go. I hope you'll be back one day, chum. Aww, mate. Is everything alright? Honestly, we hope you will come back and sign up for 'Weekly Screws' again soon. You're missing out on some great Pozidrive offers!! Oh well, please remember us fondly. You can come back any time, we'll always be pleased to see you. We'll always have a place for you in our heart.
Hi [first_name], you have recently unsubscribed, please fill out this quick survey to let us know what we can do better next time.
Hello?
You're not there, are you?
If you liked the post, click the toast! (I guess just close it and quietly slink away if you didn't)